indecision..indecision

the early part of 2007, january, is still very clear in my head. it's during this time that talks about getting myself a house first started. it's the first time that a concrete action was taken leading to accomplishing one of the items in my high school list. well, read on my uncertainties regarding house ownership. generally, take a peek at the reason why getting a house is foremost in my mind.

jan. 27, 2007
mission focus
in my earlier blog, i mentioned about a mission. up until now, even with a slight fever and headache… i’m still ramming my head over it. geez, i don’t know what’s scaring me. i find the mission i’ve placed on my shoulder really daunting. my instinct is yelling to back out of it, before i get too involved and be suck under in the quicksand fast. yet, my ever reliable little brain is yelling with equal force "don’t be a moron, vet. you can do this."

ha. truthfully i’m scared as hell. i’ve never been scared in my life. i wasn’t even that scared when i had the worst allergic reaction ever. even with my sister telling me that i look like death then.

but, i am now.

yes, i am scared.

freaking out to be exact.

should i take the leap?

jump? what? what? what?

second instinct is telling me to retrieve and check my high school yearbook. i did. this is what i said then:

"At 26, I’m completely a different person, having discovered my true identity, living on my own and pursuing my masteral degree in psychology."

well, the only thing that came true out of my 10-year from now projection at 16, is me reaching 26. how pathetic can that be? i’m 27 now, and a zilch is happening.

i’m completely a different person - this isn’t true as i’m no different now than when i was in high school. i still wear freakin’ jeans and shirts, and i don’t see it changing anytime soon either. just like high school, i still keep to myself. by this, i mean, i still manage to keep things to myself. no matter how you ask me a question, if your question doesn’t concern you, i’m not giving you a straight answer. just like high school, talking to an xy about relationships is uncomfortable to me. so i don’t talk about it with an xy or if i hint that the conversation is going to that direction i usually find a way to put a stop to it. i still believe that i’ve no right to like a person or for that person to like me back. just like in high school, i’m in denial that i maybe liking a person too much. perhaps the only thing that’s different is my hair. i’ve shorter hair now compared to my longer hair back then.

having discovered my true identity - i learned that this statement is illogical. you don’t discover your identity. there’s no definite identity to discover to begin with. you are what you are because of the experiences you gain in life. your identity evolves. as you continue to tread the earth, your identity changes as the different things thrown at you will shape you in a certain way for that certain time. you continue to evolve whether you like it or not. with or without your knowledge.

pursuing my masteral degree in psychology - i changed my mind on this. so nothing here until there’s a reversal on my want list.

living on my own - i still live with my parents. we still live at the same house that we don’t even own nor rent. and this, i think, is the root of all these anxiety right now. i’ll not even begin to expound on this. heck, i’ll do it anyway. amidst all these qualms and uncertainties, i know without an iota of doubt that as far back as high school, this is what i want. i guess, this is the main reason why i’m such daunted by my mission. i want this so badly that the thought that i’m going to fail on my self-created mission is putting a damper on my dream. geez, as pathetic a reason as not INTO being neighbors with officemates is slowly creeping in my head, trying to talk me out of my mission. i so don’t want this to happen. what’s so wrong with being neighbors with people you work with? what is so bad about your officemates seeing snippets of your life on a daily basis? for crying out loud vet, you’re even making assumptions of what they’ll do. get over yourself, you’re not that magnetic a stimulus that they’d even bother to be concerned with how you’re gonna lead your life. chin’s right vet.