faith

he said this to me once: "just have faith, vet". all things will fall into place and things will be all right for you. just believe.

my mother is another believer. every chance she gets, she goes to this woman in san fernando. she's heard a lot of accounts that the woman, through the blessings of GOD the FATHER has the power to heal people. she's heard many stories of her success. she herself vouches for sister lily's ability to heal people especially if one believes in it.

then there's my sister. a few weeks ago, she texted me that there's a healing mass to be held at sto. rosario. now two days ago, she again texted me that fr. suarez will be visiting sto. nino this wednesday to celebrate a healing mass. fr. fernando suarez is known as a healing priest. he's based in canada now, but from to time he visits the PH to conduct healing masses. we knew of father suarez through the TV mass aired every sunday over at channel 23. a lot of people have also vouched for fr. suarez, that he's indeed been made instrument by GOD to heal people with their sickness.

i must confess that though i want to believe in all these, i am somehow blocked. yes, i've been to sister lily's for a few times and yes, i might consider attending tomorrow's mass [if i'm okay by then, hehe - i'm experiencing my symptoms since sunday] but then i question am i doing all these because i believe?

when you have people who hang on to faith for you, it's quite difficult to let them down. in as much as i sometimes like to give up the battle, i know at the back of my mind that i won't be able to forgive myself if i won't even try. so try i will.

i am at it again

this ranting about pain in my pelvic area, somewhere above my tailbone each month is getting a tad boring. believe me, i'm tired of it. but i just don't know how to get around it. i used to remember that i'm stronger than any pain the world throws at me. what happened to that girl? i wonder. where is she now? i miss that girl - the girl who can take on the world without resorting to wetting her eyes.

each time, i tell myself that all this shall pass. that there will be light at the end of this dark tunnel. but who am i kidding? all this positive self-talk is getting too cliched that they no longer work for me. there's one thing that works, albeit temporarily, is me reaching out to the one person who someone gives me hope. but even that has some expiry - in my mind. although he won't tell me up front to stop bothering him - THAT I KNOW for some reason - , there will come a time that he will walk out of this, eventually. the sad thing is, i won't be able to blame him. who would want someone who can't be stronger for herself?

impulse book shopping spree

i'd say, yesterday was a bad day for me. went to see my doc to consult a problem on involuntary urination. the consult wasn't bad. it went fine, actually. my doc is awesome in making yourself comfortable while she's poking you. i did give her a hard time though as my inexperience caused my muscles to tighten instinctively and thus, she kept urging me to relax. yoga's deep breathing did help me a little. well, after my visit to the doc, i was overwhelmed with emotion. so much overwhelmed that i couldn't control my lacrimal glands and ended up texting my usual go-to guy. as usual, he didn't fail me. anyhow, after the clinic visit i proceeded to nearby robinsons. for some reason, i couldn't control my tears and so went to the place i know that would give me comfort - BOOKSALE!!! there's something about stacks of books that gives me peace. browsing books somehow calms my erratic nerves. i ended up shelling PhP491 for all 7 finds.



i didn't however get all 7 at BOOKSALE Robinson's. i only got 3 of them there while the other 4 i got at BOOKSALE SM while i was waiting for my lab results from PrimeCare.

resurrected

it's been a while since i visited this li'l place. haha, i guess i'm being my lazy self thus the no updates. nah, this is a flat out LIE...hehe

a few weeks back, achinette called my attention for failing to write anything. when she did, i reasoned that i opted to stay away from the blogosphere for my thoughts the past few months were anything but happy thoughts. i was consumed with too much negativity that i didn't want to put the negativity in writing. more than the negativity, i was overwhelmed with fear of being alone in the coming years. i guess, you can say that i was a bit depressed the past few months and i hated to admit it to the world. although, my psych background, tells me that i don't have the symptoms of clinical depression. everyday activity wasn't hampered, i continue to make future plans, evident hygienic behavior [haha, i still get out of bed - shower, brush etc], NO suicidal ideation... so yay - VERY SAFE from being committed to the god-forsaken place of v. sotto's psychiatric ward!!!

she then pointed out that having these fears gives me more reasons to write or something to this effect: [para sure, i went over our exchange and this is what she said exactly, hehe]

"Write anyway Vet oi. Write about living on your own. Writing is a catharsis of sorts. When you write it down, you just may see it's not so bad after all."

you, achinette, as usual is right. writing indeed is a good outlet for all negative thoughts. i guess when i said that i stopped writing, i meant i just didn't put my writing on a medium where people can read my thoughts. i continued writing, only i didn't announce where people can actually read them - and hehe, no intention whatsoever of ever announcing it to the world. let's just say, i want to keep the insanity confined to myself. the world doesn't have to know the extent of my kind of insanity.


hopefully, i will keep this up. IF I fail to write, then yeah, it's safe to blame it on my laziness. it's actually half the truth.

holler

two weekends passed.

on both weekends i was away from my pet house.

august 21-24 long holiday was spent in the island of camiguin down south of the country.

meanwhile, august 29-september 1 long holiday was spent out of the country - singapore, woohoo!!!

there's so much to write about my trips, unfortunately - it's only now that i got my internet back. it's only this morning that globe finally visited my place to replace my defective modem...

old and rundown

this was where i spent my childhood years. the house wasn't ours. we rented it until we were forced out when the landlord decided to sell the land where this house stood. if my memory serves me, we were the second to the last family to vacate the place [or where we the last??]as the house owned by my other's aunt was still occupied by another renter. see, it took a while for 'nay lilia's [+] tenant to find another place to move to and my mother [i think, at my 'nay lilia's insistence]didn't want to be separated from good 'ole punta princesa [she's lived here since she was 15!] and aunt, who provided food and shelter for her when she left her hometown of balamban. thus, we had to wait for the tenant before we could transfer to my mother's aunt's house.

the above picture was taken right after typhoon ruping ravished cebu. incidentally, this was a few days after my younger brother celebrated his 7th birthday [see the balloon?].

although the structure looked decrepit, this house had squeaky clean and shiny bamboo floors. one could have a grand time sleeping on them. i think this was the only redeeming quality of the structure. the house only had one sleeping quarter, so all four of us [my parents, my brother and i] sleep next to each other while my sister bunked at the living room. the house didn't have it's own bathroom. the area where there's a clothesline, that's where we used to take a bath in full view of people passing by the house [although, there wasn't many of them as all the tenants' been forced to vacate.]and if we want to relieve ourselves, we'd to walk a few meters from the house, and thus, bathroom time was always done in the morning. one wouldn't dare venture or go to the bathroom at night. as for its roof, my mother would have to climb the walls just to insert empty cigarette cartons in between the nipa slats to keep rainwater from dripping. lastly, this house didn't come with its own water facility [No MCWD for us!!!]. we'd to go to a neighbor's house to fetch water from their artesian well.

anyway, the house we've moved into wasn't any better. it was way smaller than this one. at this time, it was me who slept at the tiny living room while the four of them crammed into the equally tiny bedroom. thus, the idea of having a room of my own was a really foreign to me. when asked about what decorations could be found in my bedroom, i could only keep my mouth shut as i never had one. thus, the thought of having my own place started way back then. haha, it wasn't until i was 27 that i took concrete actions towards getting myself a house. as i have never lived in any other house, not even at relatives, it took me another 2 years to truly move out, live independently, and have my very own bedroom with a bed![hehe, naanad sa kawayan ug folding bed!!!]

august 16, 2009. last sunday marked my first year of solo-living at my pethouse. interestingly, a year after i've lived there, it was only this sunday that i've set foot and actually talked with the neighbor. the woman of the house in front of me was celebrating her birthday and thought of having me take lunch at their place as she prepared some food for a little celebration. well, the whole experience was remarkably awkward, haha!!

breakfast today

i've no special reason, except that i've this nagging urge to post whatever it is that I had for breakfast during the day. these breakfast posts, however, will not be on a daily basis as i'm always running late and thus have to take my breakfast elsewhere [sa kilid.kilid na karenderia sa office, sa burp, or skip breakfast altogether]. the ones i'll post here are just the ones i myself prepare and eat at my pethouse.

omelette, and leftover fried chicken with rice and coffee